Oh health blog, how I’ve neglected you! I wish I had a good reason for it, but the truth is, I don’t.
I just haven’t felt very healthy lately. I’ve been continuing to struggle losing the last bit of weight I want to lose, but I’m not sure exactly why i’ve had so much trouble sticking to a healthy diet. Over the past three years, I’ve lost about 40lbs, and I am really proud of that. But I don’t want eating healthy to have been a phase. I feel better about myself when I eat right, so what’s been the problem?
The truth is, food is something I’ve struggled with my whole life. People use the term “intuitive eating” a lot now, but I’ve never been an intuitive eater, unless intuitive eating means a large fry, chicken nuggets, and a milkshake. I’ve come a long way these past three years, but the truth is, whenever I try to “listen to my body” it just tells me it wants ice cream, peanut butter, and french fries. They’ve done some interesting studies on youth, self moderation, and food intake, and (while I don’t want to use this as a crutch), I think that maybe at a very young age I messed up my internal food-regulator. Very scientific sounding, I know. But eating healthy for me is exactly the opposite of intuitive. I know it will make me feel better to eat something healthy, to stay away from gluten, and to not eat until i’m vomit-full. But every inch of my body screams for me to do that, and it takes will-power and determination to not. It’s like a drug. If I stay healthy for a bit, it gets easier, the cravings lessen, and it becomes (while not intuitive), not a daily trial. But one slip up resets it.
So that’s why diets that are similar to the paleo diet, that label “good and bad” foods, are so much easier for me. Eating everything in moderation is a daily trial for me. Recently, I went to a new gym where they did a personal training meeting, and gave me a little print out of my goals, weight and measurements, and a plan. The plan included eating a 1600 calorie a day diet. When I eat “paleo”, this is roughly what I end up doing, though I don’t calorie count. So i thought i’d give a couple weeks of calorie counting a try and see what happened. In the end, I think too often I just end up over indulging on something that isn’t healthy and cutting out a meal to make up for it, thinking it’s ok as long as I stay within a calorie count. I also end up eating when I’m not even hungy to try to reach 1600 calories some days, while other days I’ll eat over and feel bad.
It’s hard to write about failure, especially a failure that is completely within my control. So I’m going to write down positive, proactive steps and ideas I have. For those of you who are intuitive eaters or paleo eaters or struggle with food in genearl, I would love to hear your feedback/ideas.
- I will feel good about myself. This is huge for me. I will feel good about the way I look no matter what I weigh, what I ate the day before, or what the scale says. I will put on something sexy and not take it off because I feel fat. I will naked sexy-pose in front of my full length mirror all by myself just because I want to see how good I look.
- I will not shortchange my accomplishments. This entry is focused on diet failures, and not exercise, but exercise is one thing I’ve had little trouble maintaining. I still run a couple times a week, climb a couple times a week, go to gym classes a couple times a week. I’m strong. I can do more push ups in 10 minutes than my boyfriend! I am, no matter what the arbitrary numbers say, in good shape. I have muscles. I can run for an hour without stopping, I can climb a 10a at the gym, and I can do 3 pull-ups. I feel good doing these things. That is pretty huge all by itself.
- I will eat better. I will not count calories, I will not eat paleo, I will not binge and purge. I will try to limit or eliminate gluten from my diet. I will eat roughly three balanced, healthy meals a day with a couple snacks in between. I will try to limit my intake of refined sugar and starchy carbs. I will eat portion sizes of my food. I will eat plenty of protein and fat and vegetables and fruit. I will occasionally eat gelato and feel great about it. I will not substitute my meals for dark chocolate pomegranate seeds. I will say no thanks when someone offers me something and I will be empowered by doing so.
I know that a lot of my journal has been informative or cute, but another reason I made this journal was for these occasions, where I just need a forum or community to talk to who understands and maybe even shares my struggle with health and body image and food and everything. So forgive me for not having a recipe or an update on the new gym I went to this month (which was actually quite neat!) or cute pictures of everything I’ve been baking for Isaiah. I will try to get back on top of things! So, I’ll leave this post with cute pictures from my trip to Mexico with the boyfriend, where I un-apologetically ate my weight in guacamole, and a promise for more proactive living (and blog posts) in the future.
Why you should always wear sunscreen.